“Your emotions make you human. Even the unpleasant ones have a purpose. Don't lock them away. If you ignore them, they just get louder and angrier.” ― Sabaa Tahir, A Torch Against the Night
However calm, controlled, intelligent and rational we might be, sometimes/often our emotions get the best of us! And we dance to their tunes like possessed maggots. Are we going to forever live under their tutelage, and be at their mercy not knowing when they will show up, and how they will blow up some really significant moments? Or can we do something to gain our freedom from them, and decide when 'we want' to use them based on our needs?
Our Emotions can be Turned into Friends
To avoid our emotions behaving like lose mavericks, we need to befriend them. The good news is that same tools and rules apply as in making friends, so we need not learn anything new, we just need to apply them in a new setting!
Friends are people we trust. They help us when we need them, listen to us and offer valuable advice. We build this relationship over a period of time through hanging out, paying attention and being open to them.
1. Hang Out with Your Emotions
Take regular time out to spend with your emotions. The more you hang out with them the lesser they will show up at unexpected times!
You’ll be surprised how well emotions respond to attention. They are living, and they make us human, so how can we ignore them! Have you ever thought that when we need attention, who is it inside us who is actually making us want it? Yes, its them!!
Step 1.Take a little time out just to spend with yourself, possibly in a place where you will not be disturbed or a place that you like being at...a garden, your bedroom, your favourite cafe or any other place.
Step 2. Try to mentally disconnect from other things that might be occupying your attention. When we are with friends we only like to be with them. You can also take a soft drink or something to munch.
Step 3. Decide on one emotion you want to connect with. Don't start directly with very strong ones like anger, hatred or resentment. You could start with sad or embarrassing. Invite the emotion to come and give it permission to show what it wants to. Be patient, it may take some time to show up.
Step 4. Pay close attention to images, thoughts and feelings this emotion triggers inside of you. And here is the most critical tip...do not judge, just observe everything as if you are separate from what is getting evoked. If you can do this, you have won half the battle.
Step 5. Keep your hand on your heart and keep watching and acknowledging the feeling and emotion. All it needs is your loving presence, not judgement.
Step 6. The feelings might subside by themselves but if they don't and you need to end it, just thank them for coming up and let them know you will meet them again. Take a few deep breaths and let go.
Step 7. Journalling your thoughts even if briefly after this session is highly recommended.
2. Listen to Your Emotions
Never shy away from listening to your emotions, however ungrateful, abusive or embarrassing they may sound. Yep, it's tough, but there is no other way!
This is your Step Four and Five in detail and the most critical one. Just like we listen to our friends without judgement and without becoming part of their drama while at the same time meaningfully connected with them and concerned about their well being; we need to do the same with our emotions.
"When I invited sadness to hang out with, during my first tryst with befriending emotions, it took some time to appear but when it came it had so much to say. I was suddenly bombarded with images of people who had broken my trust, situations when I had not been understood, times when others had made me feel small and moments of helplessness. I was thinking of situations that I had not remembered in a long time; I could feel lumps in my chest and in my throat; I could feel sadness descending on my heart and making me feel low. I wondered if it was the right thing to do! This exercise was making it worse for me! I hadn't thought of some things for decades and those were threatening to disturb my peace.
Remembering that I had to stay as an observer and with a little awareness and effort, I managed to keep acknowledging what was coming, and gently moving my hand on my chest and throat helped ease the tension. I just kept saying mentally to all the hurts and grudges and events that I knew they existed. That's all. And after sometime things started settling on their own and I said a loving bye to sadness with a promise to meet again.
That night I slept more peacefully than ever.
I had subsequent sessions with sadness over a period of months and the intensity of related issues gradually reduced with finally some mere images without much trace of associated feeling. As sadness was accepted and embraced, it stopped appearing uninvited and I found myself open to relationships and possibilities I had given up on earlier."
Comments